Strokes of Genius
by loserbaby
Summary: Don't think this will save you from the graveyard shift I'm gonna put you and Rodney in for the rest of your days! shweir sparky
1. Chapter 1 Men!

**Disclaimer: **Surprisingly I own nothing.

**Rating: **T, I would estimate if I had to

**Spoilers: **Not really, it's set somewhere in season two, I guess

**Summary: **_"Don't think this will save you from the graveyard shift I'm gonna put you and Rodney in for the rest of your days."_

**Author's Notes: **This is my first fanfic. Ever. It's a probably pretty poor attempt to be funny. But I hope I didn't screw up too bad. Any opinions are very, very welcome since I'm really not sure about this whole thing – and its sense … Hopefully you'll enjoy it anyways.

Strokes of genius

by loserbaby

Chapter 1 – Men! 

_S__omewhere on the mainland, puddle jumper one, two hours after crash_

He was dead. Officially dead. She would kill him...right now…slowly…painfully…Maybe she could strangle him and make it look like an accident subsequently? Ripping out his heart would be more fun, obviously, but selling it for suicide or something could be a problem. Although, she probably didn't even need to bother, nobody would convicther of murdering her 2IC after hearing of his latest bright idea and the way it had turned out.

The morning had started so well, the sun shining; no off-world teams and best of all, Sheppard's team on vacation, so the chance of having a nice and calm day for once without a crisis of catastrophic dimensions had been there, slightly, but it had been there. Though frankly, thinking about it at this point, she should have known something had had to go wrong, since everything that seemed too good to be true, was too good to be true most of the time. Apparently she had underestimated the significance of Murphy's Law for her, or better John Sheppard's life; in all likelihood the man would even manage to get himself in trouble on holidays in Disneyland, let alone a day with nothing to do on Atlantis.

So things had advanced the way they had to, ultimately leading to the current situation in which the two leaders of Atlantis found themselves stuck in a very dark and very powerless puddle jumper after a pretty severe crash somewhere on the mainland. Actually, it was not only Lt. Col. He-Man Sheppard Elizabeth had the honor of being trapped with, but also Dr. Brainy McKay, who was spending his time in the back part of the jumper on the other side of the wall that had shut down immediately after the energy loss. Elizabeth guessed he was trying to fix the consequences of his and Sheppard's joined stroke of genius, but since the jumper's communication system had suffered the same fate as any and all other of its systems she couldn't be sure what he was up to behind said wall. _Men!_

Thinking about the things she didn't have a clue of, _how much time has actually passed out here?_ Regarding to the way her body felt, or better regarding to the parts of her body she still could feel despite the cold and the bruises and scratches the rough landing had resulted in, she must have at least been sitting in this damned thing for the last three weeks.

Granted, she could always ask the man sitting on the opposite of her how much time really had passed, but that would require talking to him, which then again would increase the chances of him saying something wrong to make her finally snap and give it a try on the strangling thing.

But, self-destructive as always, Col. Incorrigible started talking exactly that second. "Elizabeth, I …"

"Don't!" Only the sound of her voice made him stop dead in his tracks, and if there had been light, he'd have also received a raised index finger and a death glare that could have brought Darth Vader to tears. However, on the bright side it was an answer at all, the first one he'd gotten since McKay's "speed improvement" had erased all the jumper's energy reserves and the following touchdown. So her short reply was filed as a good sign. John desperately needed to talk to her. Considerable parts of his body freezing and hurting like hell was something he could live with if he had to, but the icy silence and the daggers he felt Elizabeth's eyes shooting at him all the time even though it was dark were an totally different thing. Although he was utterly sure this whole mess was entirely and exclusively McKay's fault, John Sheppard felt guilty. The back parts of his brain, which happened to be the parts that even sometimes tended to stuck to reason, told him to keep his mouth shut and pray, but since when was John Sheppard a man to listen to reason?

"Look, I'm really sorry." John tried again, hoping his puppy-eyes-offensive and the gentle tone of his voice would somehow reach – and dispel - her.

"And I'm really not in the mood to talk to you." She shot back with a voice tight of frustration.

_Okay, screw this. Dead end._ She'd thrown all of his apologies right back in his face, so, as always in life, he was facing the two monumental alternatives of how to carry on: first, shut up and ask God for help; second, attack! Obviously for John Sheppard this was no true choice, for him, acting was more often than not the accurate way of solving problems. So inevitably he settled for the latter. He knew that the more time passed the more appealing it must become for her to kick his sorry ass and sell it to the next best Wraith they would cross paths with, so he launched his assault by skulking next to her. Surprisingly instead of wrenching away like he had somehow expected he heard her hissing.

"Are you hurt?"

"It's nothing." She retorted stubbornly. That wasn't even a lie, there were no terrible injuries, it was only the cold, the tiredness and her stiff body that had made her hiss. She'd tried and move, which had unexpectedly turned out to be a bad idea. What she could have expected on the other hand was that he wouldn't be convinced with that answer.

"You sure you're alright?"

"I'm cold, tired and stiff. I need a hot shower and my bed. Despite that I feel just peachy."

He didn't get the last words. His brain had gone on strike after associating her with a hot shower. For once he thanked God for the darkness around them that saved him from having to explain the second stupid smile plastered on his face within mere hours. _Get a grip, man! _Too bad his mind refused to go back to work. So his instincts took over and brought him to put his arms around her shoulders and draw her close. During the process he heard her taking a deep breath. _She's gonna shout me utterly deaf, _was the only thought he managed besides the image that still dominated his mind: a completely naked Elizabeth enjoying a hot shower.Luckily his mouth did as usually and operated without the help of his brain "Just trying to keep us from turning into icicles."

In some way he still anticipated her to pull away, but instead he felt her moving closer in his embrace – only because of the chill of course – and heard her mumbling "Don't think this will save you from the graveyard shift I'm gonna put you and Rodney in for the rest of your days."

He sighed and thought back to a morning that had been promising to become a great day. The morning that had happened barely a few hours ago.


	2. Chapter 2 The answer's no

Chapter 2 – The Answer's No. 

_Atlantis, a certain balcony, three hours before crash_

Some days were just worth it. Some days Atlantis managed to wipe away all the pain, the worries and tears. Today happened to be such a magnificent day. Elizabeth Weir was leaning against the railing of "their" balcony with her eyes closed, smiling, enjoying the warm light of the sun. After a few minutes, when she heard the soft "swoosh" of the door behind her, she knew almost instinctively who was joining her.

"Good morning, colonel." She said without turning around.

"A good morning it is." John answered cheerfully.

"I may suspect the reason for your great mood lies in the fact that you've got the day off?" She asked smiling.

"Yep." He leaned on the railing next to her, almost touching her shoulder with his. After a few moments feeling his gaze on her she turned towards him, only to meet big brown puppy eyes framed by an expecting facial expression.

Her smile was instantly replaced by an anxious look, including a raised eyebrow. "What do you want?" she asked knowingly.

"What makes you think I could want something?"

"Experience. A lot of experience." Came her dry reply.

"Isn't it possible for me to simply be out here to enjoy the view and the sun, just like you are?" He gave back, trying to appear hurt.

Another raised eyebrow.

"Okay, probably wouldn't have believed that myself."

"I suggest _you_ decide to spill it immediately before _I_ decide to give in to the feeling of dread that took over my stomach suddenly and run like hell." She smirked.

_I love that woman! _ Unconsciously he started to smile as well, something he did not realize until she stared at him clearly confused and touched his arm. "Atlantis to John?"

That did it. _Get that stupid smile off your face before she realizes you've lost it completely! _He urgently tried to erase his dense expression. Accepting the final defeat in this battle he started talking with said stupid smile still on.

"I met McKay before I came here. We talked about how to improve our defense system and at some point we agreed …"

He was stopped by a loudly laughing Elizabeth.

"What?" He asked, putting his hands on his hips.

"You and McKay agreed on something?"

He made a face. Despite himself he had to admit, though, that she was right, he should have tried and construct a speech a little less unbelievable._ Well, now is too late, so get it over with._

"Well, he found away to upgrade our defenses" Now came the tricky part "to which the jumpers are an integral part …"

She knew immediately what he was talking about. "Forget it." She stated matter-of-factly without even bothering to look at him.

_Well done, Sheppard! _"Increasing the jumper's velocity will prove to be very important during our next epic we're-so-screwed-phase." _I should stop talking to McKay. At all. Before I sound completely like him. _John and Rodney had attempted to concoct some more or less convincing arguments to get her to agree to the fundamental stipulation of the speed improvement Rodney had planned for the jumpers. Unfortunately this was already the best and only argument they had come up with after having decided that the Han-Solo-and-the-Millenium-Falcon-are-so-cool-and-every-boy-dreams-of-flying-speed-of-light-line-of-reasoning in all probability would not work with her.

"That's right, but after Rodney asked me this the first time, I talked to Dr. Zelenka. And he informed me that chances for these _improvements_ are to overload the jumper's energy system sooner or later, which would lead to a rather uncomfortable landing."

"The chances for this to happen are as good as non-existent. As hard it is to admit, but McKay's usually right about such things." Only the expression in her face told him this was getting nowhere. _Pity, I would've made a great Han Solo._

"John, it's too …" Typically, they were interrupted by her earpiece just in the crucial second.

"Dr. Weir, I thought we could talk about the shift arrangements before Major Lorne took you to the mainland later on?"

"Certainly, Chuck. I'll be in my office right away."

To John she said "I have to go. Rodney and Radek can work together to reduce the risks, but until they succeeded with that, the answer's no. Okay?" She turned to leave, only waiting to hear his agreement. "Okay, John?"

"Okay." He muttered reluctantly. He felt like he was thirteen again. Back then his mom had made him agree that skate-boarding through the crowds in the mall was not the way to make friends and stay healthy. It had been pure coincidence, of course, that he'd found himself with a leg as damaged as his skate-board in hospital two weeks later. _Damn._

_Atlantis, jumper bay, 45 minutes before crash _

"Damn!"

"What?" John had the uncertain feeling he wouldn't like the answer to this question. The panic in McKay's voice wasn't really a good sign.

"I already did the modifications in this jumper." John followed McKay's gaze with his eyes, meeting puddle jumper one.

"There are plenty of other jumpers …"

His sentence was broken off by an impatient and edgy McKay "Thank God you were there to remind me that we had more than this single jumper. I would have never managed to become aware of that on my own" He almost cried the last words "Do you think I panic just for nothing?!?!" _Better not answer to that, _John thought "Zelenka decided this was a great time to run efficiency tests on the other jumpers!"

"Why didn't you stop him? You knew that Elizabeth would need a jumper today!"

"Believe or not, I actually had faith in your persuasion abilities after the she'll-never-be-able-to-resist-my-flyboy-charms-speech you gave me this morning" McKay retorted, throwing his hands up in the air.

Sheppard badly wanted to hit the scientist. "The point of the _speech_ I gave you this morning was that I would try to convince her and that you shouldn't start anything before I told you to! I surely did not say anything you could have interpreted as "Do your adjustments on jumper one and take all the others out of work, so that Elizabeth will be forced to take the modified jumper whether she agrees or not"!" Sheppard crossed his arms in front of his chest. "And besides, what's the problem? You said, Zelenka's concerns were pointless …"

Sheppard was cut off again "They would be pointless if I had had enough time to do the modifications correctly. But after your sensational letdown I won't be able to end the upgrading. And Elizabeth won't be able to get to the mainland and we'll be screwed …" McKay declared dramatically.

This time Sheppard cut McKay "We can continue to blame each other later. At the moment we have to think of a way to keep Elizabeth from ripping off our heads". He took a deep breath and put his hands to his hips "So this jumper's the only one Elizabeth can take to get to the mainland?"

"I'm genuinely sorry if I ever questioned your acumen and the fact that you made it military commander of Atlantis. Your cleverness is truly amazing."

Gazing annoyed, John tapped his earpiece "Lorne, this is Sheppard. When are you leaving for the mainland with Dr. Weir?"

"In about ten minutes, Colonel." Came the prompt answer.

"Thanks, Major."

_Damn indeed._


	3. Chapter 3 About ten minutes

Chapter 3 – About Ten Minutes. 

John and Rodney had ten minutes to make up a plan. A plan that averted Elizabeth from noticing that her order had been igno ... ahh interpreted. A plan that averted them from being kicked all the way back to Milky Way. And last but not least a plan that averted the possibility of crashing.

"At the current condition of the jumper, what are the chances for a colossal energy shortfall if the jumper got up?" John asked.

"About twenty percent, I'd guess" Rodney sighed.

"That has to suffice. I'll fly Elizabeth over …"

"… and talk nicely to the jumper and cuddle it, if something goes wrong?!"

"Let me remind you once again that _you _announced nothing could go wrong!" John shouted, dreadfully attempting to fight the urge to beat the smugness out of the scientist he was talking to.

"I …" McKay was stopped by a nudge on his arm. "What …?"

"Hello Elizabeth!" Sheppard greeted their expedition leader, who entered the jumper bay accompanied by Major Lorne, loudly with a beam of the size of Brazil. _So much for about ten minutes._

"John, Rodney" She returned, getting suspicious on the spot.

"You know, today's my day off, and it's been a while since I've been to the mainland." The brazil-sized smile grew to cover at least half of the Pegasus galaxy. "Why don't you let me fly you over? And in addition, Major Lorne has the time to do his real work. I'm sure there are plenty of things that need his undivided attention immediately."

"But …" Lorne started only to be broken off roughly by a pointedly threatening glare from his CO clearly saying: _In case you don't want to experience what it feels like to be cleaning weapons and boots for an entire year you better be with me on this._

The Major was clever enough to take the _very _subtle hint."In fact, there _are_ some things I have to take care off. Would it be okay if Col. Sheppard took over?" He corrected himself and looked at Elizabeth expectantly. She let her eyes wander between the men around her. _Is it just me or have they lost the last bit of their sanity jointly? _ She settled for the first. _I'm surely imagining things. _Paranoia came naturally with living in an ancient city in another galaxy constantly threatened by life-sucking aliens and God knows what else.

After expressing her agreement she watched Lorne scuttling away hastily. _Lorne is not fleeing from Sheppard. Nothing's going on here. _Elizabeth continued to convince herself. However, there was not much time to think, because Sheppard was already propelling her into the jumper they'd been standing in front of.

"I'll be back in hurry so we can get started right away." She heard him saying while he was already on his way out again. She decided again not to think about all the possible disasters that might be going on without her knowledge. Maybe this was her day to stop worrying all the time. It was a beautiful day and, honestly, there were worse things than being forced to spend it with John Sheppard. She shook her head and occupied herself with working on the next shift plan until he would come back into the jumper and they'd start. It was less an hour later when she realized this hadn't been her day to stop worrying. She should have been anxious. Badly.

On the outside of the jumper John informed Rodney of "their" spontaneously arisen plan with a low voice. "Listen, you're coming with us …"

"But …"

"… and " John continued more forcefully "you'll stay in the big closet on the port side in the rear. If something happens you'll come out and help. If thing's go smooth you'll wait in there until I take you out." If he hadn't been there to see this with his own eyes, John wouldn't have believed what he faced in this moment: Rodney McKay was gazing at him with his mouth open being truly speechless. John turned around to see Elizabeth speaking into her earpiece and tapping on her note pad. Seizing his chance, John quickly shoved Rodney into the jumper and grabbed a flashlight that was lying on a bench. He gestured to the scientist to be quiet and directed him into the closet.

"What the hell do you think you're doing you lunatic?!" After finally having found his voice again, an obviously fuming Rodney shouted in a whisper.

"Shut up. Your own fault." John gave Rodney the flashlight. "For your illumination." Before closing the door at last he grinned "Have fun!" Although he had made up this "plan" purely to prevent Elizabeth from getting suspicious, which she would have become if both John and Rodney had accompanied her on her way to a simple meeting with the Athosians about their harvest, John couldn't deny that it happened to become absolute entertainment at the point of closing McKay into a puddle jumper storage closet.

All the different kinds of curses Rodney proved to know in his closet would have even been an addition to Sheppard's amusement, if he'd heard them. But Sheppard had already turned around to face his boss, who had been done with her works by now and was watching him in puzzlement. _Please, don't let her have noticed anything!!!! _

"I was just stowing something which is rarely of any use. " He leaned heavily against the closet door and smiled most innocently.

"Whatever. Let's get started." Elizabeth inhaled. There was only a fine line between ingenuity and insanity.


	4. Chapter 4 WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Chapter 4 – WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? 

_Sky over Atlantis, puddle jumper one, 23 minutes before crash_

Finally flying in the sky over Atlantis, Elizabeth admired their city contentedly. Seeing it like this, she realized she'd never cease to be amazed by the beauty of their home.

"She gets more breathtaking every day, doesn't she?" John said as if he'd read her thoughts.

"I can't think of any words to describe her splendor suitably."

"What, Pegasus galaxy's best diplomat at a loss of words? And here's little ol' me already dreading I didn't affect you." The soft smile that came with his tease caused her to smile as well.

"Better not flatter yourself, Colonel. It's the beauty of Atlantis I can't describe. For you it will take more than the privilege of one flight to leave me speechless." She replied, looking him straight in the eyes. _I'm not supposed to be flirting with my military commander. I'm not supposed to be flirting with my military commander. _Maybe as a reprimand she should write down her mantra several times. Although she doubted that there was as nearly as much paper in Atlantis as it would require to initiate any help at all.

John was blessed with even less success in fighting his feelings. Watching her biting her lower lip created an image in his mind he couldn't shake easily. _These lips can surely do a lot of sensational things to m … Get a hold of yourself, Sheppard! _

Turning away from her it suddenly occurred to him who fast they were flying by now. Had the jumper gathered speed by itself? _Oh, no, please, don't do that to me! You know you're my favorite jumper. Please show me that you like me just that bit as well!_ Besides mentally caressing the ship John focused on reducing its velocity. _Jesus Christ, please! _If there was some higher being above watching him now they were probably laughing deeply. Instead of losing speed like he wanted the jumper to, it increased its speed even more._ Life's a bitch._

"John?" He heard Elizabeth's concerned voice.

"Huh?"

"Did you notice that?"

"What?" He didn't need to wait for her answer. This time he saw the lights flickering.

They exchanged an uneasy look.

_Damn. This calls for McKay. Damn. _The problem was that even if the scientist could prevent the jumper from losing its energy completely, they'd still be screwed. In all likelihood Elizabeth wouldn't let them live long enough to tell their excuses. But there was no choice. _I'm cursed._

"Elizabeth, could you do me a favor?" She frowned. "Do you remember the storage closet in the rear I put the useless thing into?" Nodding. "Could you please open that closet?" He could actually see her confusion. He would have let Rodney out himself but he figured it was better to stay at the wheel if something – more – happened. He also needed to try and reduce the speed furthermore before the jumper's energy system overloaded completely.

"Are you …?"

"Elizabeth, please, just do it." John threw a glance out of the window in front of him. _At least we're over the mainland now. Crashing into the ocean wouldn't be so pleasant. Crashing on the mainland on the other hand … We can't crash down at all! You can't have the ATA gene for nothing, Sheppard, come on, think of something! _

She was far beyond bewilderment, but his undignified beg worked. While she was on her way in to the back part of the jumper, the jumper's light system destabilized further. Moreover, the flight became awfully rough. _Great, I leave Atlantis once in a decade and what happens? It's not fair._

Finally reaching the mysterious closet Elizabeth expected a lot. First the life as a diplomat and later as Atlantis Expedition leader had taught her not to get shocked that easily. But when the opened door revealed her chief scientist pointing a firmly held flashlight at her, she _was_ taken aback. She literally jumped. "My God!"

"Rodney will do." McKay retorted dryly.

"What are …" She couldn't bring her question to an end because John barged in harshly.

"McKay, move it and get your butt over here!"

"I can't believe it! First you lock me in a cupboard for 12 minutes and 36 seconds , which I only know, because I had nothing to do but count the seconds, and then all you do is expecting me to jump at your command?!" Rodney screamed shrilly.

"We don't have time for this!" John shouted back. "The jumper's been gathering speed on its own. I think … "

This time Elizabeth allowed herself to get concerned about the things she didn't know. Obviously this wasn't the day to stop worrying. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?" She bellowed in the best authoritarian voice she could manage.

Predictably it worked. Both men turned in her direction to meet her eyes staring at them sternly, her hands on her hips. Sheppard first found his voice or better courage to stammer up. "Ah, …" _Come on, Sheppard, she can't kill you, she needs you … or your genes at least._ "You recall this morning? It was a beautiful morning." He spoke in a sing-sang voice while the oversized smile returned. "We talked about this speed thing and …"

"… we agreed not to start anything until the possible risks could be minimized!"

"Yeah, well, we didn't plan it quite like this …"

Again his words were cut by sharp words from his boss. "What didn't you plan precisely? Ignoring my orders, doing particularly the opposite of what I told you or only ending up in the disaster I predicted?"

"I'm really repentant to disturb you. I certainly would enjoy spending my last seconds listening to you arguing away said last seconds, but since Atlantis would sink without me, I'd appreciate it if we could focus on saving my … ahh our butts!" Rodney was shrieking by now. As if to emphasize his point, the light went out completely.

_Who thought that McKay would once become knight in a shining armor? Well, not so shining, it's still dark, but__ nevertheless._ John reflected after having been saved from Elizabeth's chastisement.

For now.

"If we get through this, better not jump to conclusions and think you've survived." Elizabeth, whose eyes had become mere slits at this time, stated grimly.

"Great. Save the day to get chewed up in the end." Rodney lighted his way into the back of the jumper and started his attempt to patch up the ship.

"McKay, wouldn't wanna put pressure on you, but we're losing altitude rapidly and nothing I can do helps. You have … some … minutes."

"One of these days I'm gonna lock myself up in my lab and live happily ever after."

"I take that as a "I'm as good as done"."

Rodney wanted to tell John how wrong he was, when suddenly the wall shut down, separating him from Sheppard and Elizabeth.

"This keeps getting better and better." Rodney muttered to himself "Sheppard, Elizabeth? Can you hear me?" After a few seconds he repeated the call, again without success.

The jumper's energy was fading away, leaving him genuinely grateful for Sheppard's flashlight. _I hate small rooms. I hate small dark rooms. I hate flying in small dark rooms. I hate crashing in small dark rooms. _He kept cursing until he was forcefully pitched against the jumper's side bench. "AHHH!!!"

_We must have landed. It's always amazing that you never know how many bones you have until you feel all of them hurting at once._

Rodney rose in pain. _Slowly but surely I'm getting too old for stunts like these. _He unlocked the side panels in order to gain access to the jumper's energy reserves._ I must be cursed. Sheppard screws up and who is there to pick up the pieces as usually? _

He put the flashlight between his teeth, prayed and started to work.

Two and half an hour later Rodney was past exhaustion. At some point he'd stopped counting his injuries. Right now it was only his eyes he terribly felt. But he guessed he was almost done with activating the very last bit of energy reserve he'd been able to detect. _They will have to build me a memorial! _He sighed and did what he considered to be last modification. _Please work! _In contrast to the prayers John had sent to the heavens throughout the day, Rodney's hope was fulfilled. All at once the jumper came back to life. "I'm brilliant!" He said to himself when the wall opened. At that point Rodney thought he couldn't be surprised anymore, but he was just as wrong as Elizabeth had been before. The picture the opening wall exposed convinced him he knew nothing.

John and Elizabeth sat cuddled together on floor at the left side wall. Realizing what was happening both their faces showed a strange mix of relief, shock and just a bit embarrassment.

"Am I interrupting? Want me to come back later?"

"Shut up!" They grumbled in unison.


	5. Chapter 5 Unscheduled Gate Activation

A/N: This chapter kind of starts something new, in the next chapters it's time for a little bit of sweet revenge for Elizabeth. Poor Johnny! evil grin 

Hope you keep reading! Reviews would be great!!!!

Chapter 5 – Unscheduled Gate Activation.

_Atlantis, Elizabeth Weir's quarters, evening_

There was never a day life in Pegasus didn't teach a lesson. This day's lesson for Elizabeth had been never to trust great mornings. Although, she had to admit, all of it could have ended a lot worse. None of them had to suffer from permanent damage. The jumper was on his way of convalescence. And her anger had waved off so far that – some - parts of her regretted – some - of her thoughts of murder.

Elizabeth sat on her bed with her legs stretched out, crossed at the ankles. She had tried and read some reports to catch up with the work she hadn't been able to do for obvious reasons, but concentration seemed beyond her at the moment. After having read the same phrase for the third time without grasping any content at all, she'd given up, allowing herself to reflect on today's events. And there were a lot of things and feelings that needed to be explored.

The first and easiest emotion of all was the relief she felt. Rodney had managed to convince the jumper to fly at least to the mainland before shutting down again. The scientist had babbled about the very last energy reserves having been transferred, bypassed or something. Quintessence having been: I saved the day. Build me a memorial. Not that she really had listened. What mattered was that they had been able to send a message to Atlantis and Lorne had picked them up from the mainland later. She'd gotten her hot shower as well as her warm and dearly loved bed.

So far so good. However, other feelings weren't that easy to handle. One of said other feelings was the misgiving, that neither John nor Rodney had quite taken in their lessons. Of course both of them had pulled their penitent puppy faces and apologized exhaustively, but Elizabeth couldn't shake the nagging suspicion that they'd act the same way in every situation again. Maybe she should finally give in and accept that even or better especially the most brilliant people needed to release their rash-teenager-selves occasionally.

Yet, a fundamental problem in her assessment of the situation was the lack of reason she suffered from when it came to dealing with her 2IC, and the time she'd spent curled up his arms wasn't making things exactly easier. It would take her some time to shut up entirely the very back and irrational part of her mind that was still cheering While he had been speaking about the unpredictable proceedings that had resulted in their cold and dark state of affairs, she had been trying to deal with his intoxicating proximity halfway dignified. Accordingly, his verbal apologies hadn't been the main cause for her softening. It had been his hand stroking up and down her arm and his elaborated breathing which had told her she wasn't the only one affected by their unanticipated intimacy.

_Perhaps if he felt the same …_ _Stop thinking like that! _Elizabeth instructed herself vigorously. _No way on earth … ahh Atlantis I'm gonna give in to this. _Determinedly finishing off her contemplation she decided to start working again. Knowing her quarters wouldn't offer her the emotional distance she needed she left her room and went to her office. _I'm not an infatuated schoolgirl! I'm the leader of a research expedition in another galaxy, for heaven's sake! _

_Atlantis, Elizabeth Weir's office, late evening_

Evidently Dr. Elizabeth Weir was more of an infatuated schoolgirl than she'd ever thought. Since focusing on work had yet again proved to be impossible, she'd settled for a round of solitaire. Nevertheless she was more than startled when one member of the skeleton crew that was running the gate room that night shouted: "Unscheduled gate activation!"

Instantly Elizabeth switched into leader-mode and mentally went through the possible scenarios. Ronon and Teyla had left for a trading mission not long ago, they couldn't be back already. Since there were no other off-world-teams currently, experience told her that the cause for the gate activation moved most likely somewhere between Ewoks, Orks and Wraith. _Great prospects. Anyways, no sense in panicking before something actually happens. _Elizabeth reassured herself as she strode into the gate room to see Radek Zelenka operating at the main console. "Any ID codes?"

"No, ma'am." Zelenka looked at her questioningly.

"Keep the shield down."

"What …?" All of a sudden, the Czech was tapping on the computer in front of him high-speed.

"What's going on?" This time it was Elizabeth who was looking in question.

"It's an audio transmission."

After Elizabeth had nodded briefly, a voice could be heard, a female one it seemed: "Mighty Ancestors, you have blessed and protected us for thousands of years. At this desperate hour we seek your help to allow our people to live on like we have before. We plead you to send us once again the guidance and powers we need to survive. Sacred Ancestors, be with us!" The last words were cried out frantically and then silence followed before she cried twice again, increasing her shrill whining: "Sacred Ancestors, be with us!"

"I'm gonna call for a meeting immediately. The girl sounded pretty devastated." Elizabeth paused when Zelenka unexpectedly started to shake his head. "What's wrong?" She asked puzzled.

"We've received such a message once before. Actually we've received already two of them, the second about ten minutes after the first." Radek continued quickly after seeing her bewilderment growing. "After the siege when you were on earth we caught these … prayers. Teyla, some marines and I went to this planet in case we could help." He sighed in disapproval. "What we found out was that these messages are part of a ritual the inhabitants of the planet celebrate more or less regularly. It serves as a kind of prayer to the ancients, which is part of something like a play."

"A play?" _This galaxy baffles all descriptions._

Zelenka closed his eyes to gather himself and nodded. That terrible day on this dreadful planet had scarred him for life. He still went to see Heightmeyer every week because of the nightmares these sick people had caused him. "Half of the locals play Wraith while the others play ancients. The "ancients" save the whole planet and ultimately the whole population goes bananas."

Elizabeth struggled to keep her serious face of comfort at the scientist's air of sheer horror. "They give a festival for the ancients, I guess?"

Zelenka stared blankly and blew out. "Festival? They let it loose like there's no tomorrow." Unwillingly his face turned into an even more disgusted expression. "Costumes, make-up, body painting, alcohol, drugs and … ". The scientist gestured wildly, searching for considerate words.

" … loud music? … wild dancing?"

He closed his eyes again, hung his head and almost whispered. "Orgies."

"Oh, that sounds … ". It took the word a moment to sink in. "What did you do on this mission then?! I'm sure if there was such a mission report I would remember it!"

"Please, Dr. Weir!" The scientist was pleading feebly now. "It was punishing and embarrassing enough to be on that "mission"!" He spelled the per se rather innocent word like a curse. "We all swore never ever to talk about that day again!" _Well, besides the talks the life-long therapy requires._

"This is not … ". She broke off when she heard quick footsteps approaching. Turning around she faced a fairly breathless John Sheppard who had apparently run all the way from his quarters.

"Is everything alright? The gate was activated? Why wasn't I called?! I'm the … "

"… military commander, I know." Elizabeth scowled. _Now the man remembers his responsibilities!_


	6. Chapter 6 Radek strikes

I really hope this is not too sarcastic, but writing it was one hell of fun ... :-) Hope you like it nevertheless!

Chapter 6 – Radek strikes.

Elizabeth wanted to tell John about the transmission, but was interrupted by the next superhero joining the scene. Rodney was also panting when he stopped in front of Elizabeth and bent down putting his hands on his knees.

"One day this vain running-sports-crap is going to be my unceremonious death."

The other three rolled their eyes simultaneously, while Rodney obliviously continued: "Why wasn't I called immediately when the gate was activated? I'm the …"

"… chief scientist, I know." _Why didn't I just seize the moment and went to bed? It's my own fault. _Elizabeth tried to fight the urge to hit her head against the next wall. _Now they decide to play adults. _

She took a deep breath preparing to tell them what was actually going on when the gate suddenly came to life again.

"We're receiving another message." Radek was drumming on the keyboard again and again the female voice filled the room with her prayer.

"We have to do something straight away." John was the first to share his initial judgment after the message had come to an end.

"Hoping for maiden in distress you can save?" Rodney grinned.

"Gentlemen, …" Elizabeth genuinely tried to tell what the message was really about.

"There might be a culling going on or something!" John cut her off, throwing Rodney a piercing glare that stated without words: _Now it's your turn. Help me on this or you'll deliberately take off back to your jumper compartment. _

"But … ". This time it was Radek's attempt that was ignored and broken off by Rodney who had, just like Lorne in the morning, gotten John's message instantly. "Colonel knight-in-shining-armor might have a point there, though."

_This is getting old. _Elizabeth closed her eyes. "Would you please listen?!"

"They are right, Dr. Weir." _Radek? _Now the leader of Atlantis was officially at a loss – again. The Czech, though, continued ostensibly unimpressed. "They might be in danger, but there's also something else we should consider." _He can't, can he? _Elizabeth thought at the intense look Radek gave her. "If the people on this planet were able to send such us a message, they might have further ancient technology like the defense systems we've encountered on several planets. It should be worth a glance or two." The Czech shrugged while inconspicuously looking at Elizabeth with a knowing conspiratorial twinkle. Obviously he could.

_Radek strikes. _Elizabeth wasn't sure whether to be impressed or scared. Fortunately the last impulse necessary to convince her to play along was offered nicely by John observing her with huge eyes a bit too expectantly. _If that's what you want … _Elizabeth subdued a cocky expression that threatened to obliterate their little act and pretended a sigh. _Let's get on with this and have a little fun with He-Man and Brainy. _"Okay, then. John, Rodney since you're so anxious about this, you can go and check what's going on and if there's anything worth of further investigation. "

_Excuse me?! _John thought before he stammered:"Only Rodney and I?"

"Teyla and Ronon are on a trading trip. And anyways, I think it's better to send a small recon team than to show up with a whole army. Wouldn't want to challenge any unwanted attention now, would we?"

_You've got to be kidding me! _"Two men goes for less than small I would say."

"If you think that's too dangerous for you I can understand that of course, you're the military commander and the chief scientist after all. Atlantis could never compensate your missing. I'm sure we can find somebody else to step in. Maybe Dr. Zelenka and Major Lorne could assume your place. I'm sure they'd carry out the mission as perfectly as you would." Very visibly concerned and sympathetic Elizabeth looked at her 2IC.

_Damn. The woman knows exactly what buttons to push._ In the last second he stopped himself from sticking his tongue out at his boss. "No, you're right. There won't be a problem. Rodney and I will manage." While Rodney's eyes widened to saucers in horror, it was Radek's turn to be impressed. Elizabeth's face showed nothing but pure – evil – politeness. _They would NEVER ever back down after a dare like this._

Their leader smiled. "Thank you very much. I really appreciate that. If you come across troubles, contact back to Atlantis immediately. In any other case we'll be awaiting your first regular check-in 6 hours after you left."

"Great. We'll leave in twenty minutes." John left the gate room, quickly followed by Rodney.

Elizabeth stayed back with Radek and looked at him hesitantly. "Don't you think we're putting them in unnecessary danger?"

"There are no dangers on that planet besides make-up and estrogen. They have no technology except this primitive radio system they used to send the message. I survived sadistic adolescents, Rodney will survive bacchanalian adults." Radek gave back determined. The Czech had been ignored, passed over and harassed by his "superior" often enough, the last time had been this morning, when Radek had been jeered at for predicting the ending of hasty speed improvements. Now was the time for a small round of retaliation.

Seeing her unchanged uncertainty, he added: "If something should really happen we can still send back-up. But I'm positive they will be … utterly … alright."

"Okay, then. Hopefully this will teach them to think and listen before acting." _Hope dies last._

------------------------------------------------------------

Outside the gate room Rodney was not so sure about his near-future well-being. "Aren't you ever sick of hara-kiri-missions?!"

"Don't be such a baby. We'll be alright." John snapped back uncharacteristically touchy.

"She really got to you, didn't she?" Rodney grinned.

"No clue what you're talking about."

_Bullseye! _"Oh come on, don't play innocent! A blind man with a walking stick on the other side of the universe could see your hurt alpha-male-ego!" Rodney was laughing loudly now, which only helped to increase John's indignation.

"Don't say it didn't offend you when Elizabeth suggested Radek could replace you?! And _perfectly _at that." Mimicking Elizabeth's voice John came closer to the scientist and almost yelled.

"Okay, okay." For a moment Rodney considered taking this to an end where John admitted that Rodney had hit the nail on the head after all, but in the long run health outranked pride on his personal priority list. Pushing inconvenient truths more often than not went hand in hand with suffering from an inconvenient destiny. The messenger tended to lose his head when his message wasn't appreciated. Hence Rodney ceased talking and started following John again.

------------------------------------------------------------

A little more than twenty minutes later John and Rodney were standing in front of the gate in a still rather deserted gate room. On any and all other days such conditions would have brought all of John's internal alarm systems to level dark red close to overload, but tonight all his energy was required in the process of the defense of his pride and dignity. Consequently reason and instinct were left fighting a losing battle. He was accomplishing this mission no matter what.

Out of habit John turned around briefly before going through the gate. He caught a glimpse of Elizabeth. An oddly silent Elizabeth as he noticed. No "Be safe" , "Be careful" or anything. Nothing but a weird look.

Only with this realization it dawned on the military commander of Atlantis that something was definitely different, not to say downright wrong. _This is a bad idea _was the mind-dominating thought John stepped into the event horizon with.

He should be proved right. The next hours in the life of John Sheppard exposed how bad this idea had been.

so what do you think? too mean?


	7. Chapter 7 Back in one colored piece

A/N: I'm really sorry that this took me sooo long, but work at my job and at the university has kept me quite busy. Life in general was kind of exhausting so I wasn't able to get my head free to write something.

Originally this and the next chapter were planned as one, but I thought it was better to split it up since it was too long and a break seemed logical. This one gives Radek and Elizabeth's perception while part II will be about John and Rodney's perspective. I hope the break is comprehensible and you like this part! Please tell me what you think!!!

Chapter 7 – Back in one – colored - piece. Part I

_Atlantis, gate room, very early next morning_

"Unscheduled Gate Activation!" For the second time within mere hours Radek Zelenka announced an unexpected incoming wormhole. But this time it didn't need a prophet to predict who would be coming through. Still sitting at the gate room's main console Radek had a fairly good idea of the cause for the gate to come to life. _Coffee, I need coffee. _Was Radek's initial reaction to the prospect of John and Rodney's return. He threw a glance in each and every of the five mugs that were spread around his workplace only to find each and every of them empty. _If there ever was a doubt for me to be a geek, it should be wiped out in this very moment. No companion but cups with no contents. _Sometimes the Czech really felt sorry for himself.

Ever since his superiors had disappeared through the event horizon Radek had been engaged in a dreadful battle against his consciousness. A losing battle, for that matter. Staying in the closest proximity of the gate and inhaling gallons of pure caffeine had been the only comfort the scientist had been able to think of regarding to the not so tiny twinge of guilt he was feeling for setting a trap for his friends. Despite the quite vivid memory of every single occasion Rodney had let him suffer Radek hadn't been able to just walk away. He needed to be there, just in the absolutely improbable case …

"And?" Hearing Elizabeth's voice Radek turned around to see the leader of Atlantis striding out of her office. After John and Rodney's departure she had left for her office and never been seen since. Reminiscing her doubtful comments and seeing her current tired, frowning expression Radek guessed that she was probably feeling not overall perfectly as well.

"Col. Sheppard's ID code." The Czech scientist answered, not being able to hide his tension entirely.

"Lower the shield." Standing next to Radek Elizabeth laid a consoling hand on his arm. "They'll be alright." Elizabeth was herself not so certain who she was reassuring. Three hours of losing in simple solitaire games were not coming from nowhere. Like before the gate had been activated for the first time this night she was torn between her emotions. Only this time Elizabeth's emotions were utterly different. From her right shoulder the leader of Atlantis heard a little white angel with blond braids nagging meanly about the guilt for willfully tricking two of her closest friends, among them a certain person she'd come to lov … ahh like so much. _What will you do if something serious happens?! _On her left shoulder though there was a little other something sitting – and smiling cockily with lips colored red like blood. Considering everything Radek had cursed around about that crazy planet the tiny red devil was cheering about her expectations of how the military commander and the chief scientist of the Atlantis expedition would look like after their "mission". _Shut up you poor imitation of __Mary Poppins! As if I couldn't smell your malicious pleasure over here! You know they deserve a little lesson as much as our Lizzie here deserves a little fun! _

After what seemed like eternity of constant bickering both of Elizabeth's dressed up escorts made off with a "plop" when the gate's wormhole stabilized. Elizabeth hugged herself, waited and … nothing. More waiting. More nothing.

_What the hell?! _Elizabeth put her hands on her hips and looked around in search of an explanation, meaning she was looking for Radek. In the process of twisting her head she took note of people, an awful lot of people actually. Where did this crowd come from, all of a sudden? One moment there was barely anyone but Elizabeth and Radek and the next moment half of Atlantis was swarming around in the gate room? Elizabeth glanced at her watch to confirm her assumption that it was still that _very _early in the day that usually it would be not more than a skeleton crew to run the gate room. And as Elizabeth looked more intensely she realized it _was_ only the normal few people that were actually working while the whole rest was doing nothing but … nothing. They were rummaging around and constantly throwing glances to the gate. _If I didn't happen to be the leader of this city and therefore responsible for law and order I'd probably be impressed by the velocity news tend to spread around here. Three hours and the whole city knows that John and Rodney went on a mission alone. _Elizabeth could almost imagine all of the suspicions, speculations and theories that were running up and down the rumor mill currently although the sun hadn't risen yet._ Maybe there had been too less action lately … _

Elizabeth was pulled out of her thoughts about the implications and meanings of the fact that a fair share of her bright staff was at any time of the day or night ready and unemployed enough to jump up as well as to pretend to be working, only for the pleasure of participation on the newest conjectures when the two figures everybody was evidently waiting for finally emerged.

None of the circulating hypotheses had prepared anyone for the way the two senior staff members looked.

_And I could've sworn Radek has been exaggerating. _The man honestly hadn't promised too much, Elizabeth unconsciously realized in the back of her mind as the major part of her brains was busy processing the unquestionably unconventional appearance of her 2IC and chief scientist, mostly of her 2IC, admittedly.

Somehow, and the former negotiator was decisively positive she didn't want to know how, both men had lost every single bit of clothing despite their pants, ripped and awfully short pants to be correct. Although Elizabeth couldn't exactly remember what they had been wearing before leaving, she was comparatively certain that jackets, shirts, boots and weapons had been involved. Presently, however, it was predominantly color that was involved. Sheppard's hair, from which Elizabeth had been convinced it could not surprise her any more, was covered in red and yellow with blue spots while McKay's hair was held rather conservative in black and grey tones. Some things they both had in common were their bare feet and the violet marks on their foreheads: a triangle crossed by a Y, whatever that was supposed to mean.

Eyes moving south to more intriguing areas Elizabeth saw three long lines in another shade of violet leading vertically from John's abdomen over his naked chest to his throat. Hardly above the waistband of John's pants were the three columns accompanied by an appalling lot of hand prints of almost every color. _Someone must've been quite popular. _Elizabeth guessed dryly, not really surprised. Not that she could blame any girl for the wish to touch him, especially when he was as … uncovered … as he was currently. _People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. _

If the variety of colors and symbols said anything about the popularity of the person who wore them, Rodney obviously hadn't made it king of the local prom. There was only on single, but intensely dark blue print of a palm on the middle of his chest. _Or he was relatively quickly claimed in one by one woman … wait, this doesn't look like a female hand. _The mark on the scientist's chest was too big to have been caused by a woman. _Poor Rodney! _Was the thought Elizabeth almost lost the control over the traits of her face with.

The sudden quiet but happy sound of Radek's voice beside her stopped Elizabeth from laughing out loud: "See, they're back in one – colored - piece. No permanent harm done."

John and Rodney for their part doubtless would've denied that there was no permanent damage done. Both felt _thoroughly _damaged.


	8. Chapter 8 Back in one colored piece

Chapter 8 – Back in one – colored – piece. Part II

_Planet of __Baccharia__, central temple site, early evening (local time)_

_"Always keep your head up." _This was basically the only advice John Sheppard at any time throughout his life had tried to abide by. He could as good as feel his dad's hand on his shoulder and hear his old man's voice inside his mind telling him never to give up.

Sometimes following recommendations meant for the best was easier than at other times.

The last three hours of John's life had undeniably been of the other times and he had the slight concern that this wouldn't change now all of a sudden. After having dialed in Atlantis' gate address John turned around in search for his great companion in this magnificent adventure and was surprised to find almost the whole of the village gathered near the gate.

_Yeah, we will miss you, too. _John thought sarcastically while bellowing. "McKay? Move it!"

"Finally." John grumbled crankily as he spotted Rodney approaching. In favor of apathy, Rodney for his part had stopped speaking at all. Somehow at the moment John was certain that as soon as they'd be back in Atlantis Rodney would lock himself in his quarters, lie down on his bed, grab his favorite blankie, assume the position of an embryo and call for his mommy.

John's joy about Rodney's appearance, however, remained short lived, because the scientist was followed closely by the female chief of the tribe. _Not again. Sigh._

The woman positioned herself in front of John and Rodney and brought her palms together before her chest like she would pray. But instead of calling the Gods, ancients or whoever she started to talk to the "visitors sent by the great Ancestors" as John and Rodney had been christened.

"Here on the sacred ground consecrated to our divine Ancestors …" John inwardly switched off, he couldn't hear this ancient blabber anymore. His mind found its way back to the mantra that had helped him through the last hours without shooting anyone. _Elizabeth/Atlantis/coffee__/Elizabeth/ a shower/ my bed/Elizabeth …_

The woman kept giving her solemn farewell speech while a bored John let his eyes wander to the people around him. _Unbelievable! These people are crazy. _Yet again, or more likely still,most of the locals were high, drunk or both, which increased John's presentiment that the festivity was everything but over. _I want to go home! _John shrieked silently. He definitely didn't think of himself as an innocent preacher's daughter, but truth be told, the dirty glances these chicks had been and still were gaping at him with made him blush. _Always wondered what animals in the zoo must feel like._

On the other hand, nevertheless, John couldn't tell whose fate was more fatal, his own or Rodney's. Whereas all the girls were undressing him with their eyes constantly – and there was not much left to undress -, Rodney was avoided because the hand print on his chest symbolized that he belonged to the chief's son who had been immediately attracted by Rodney and claimed him as his. _And the brownie for the most pitiful life in Pegasus goes to … the chief scientist of Atlantis._

John had been so wrapped up in his thoughts that he almost jumped when he became aware of the close proximity he and the woman suddenly were sharing. She raised her right hand to John's face, but was stopped in the process by John's grabbing of her wrist. _No body contact anymore. __Full stop._

"Please, allow me. You'll be given the sign of sainthood."

Exhaling noisily, John decided for endurance and surrendered to her intense look. While the chief then was touching John's forehead to give him the mark she spoke again with her solemn voice. "May the Ancestors be with you. May you know nothing but happiness from this day forward. May you be blessed with a road that leads you to your dreams."

_May you people not be blessed with waterproof __colors._ John replied dryly to himself. _Because if you are and these colors are permanent I'm __gonna__ have to hang myself. _

Suddenly the crowds that had assembled around the gate moved apart and a figure appeared. A young boy carrying a tray with three small cups on it walked towards the chief. _Please no! This stuff will burn my throat up! _The villagers seemed to down the dreadful brew like water, but the smell of it alone made John feel nauseous.

The chief apparently didn't share John's concerns. She handed one of the cups to Rodney, one to John and kept the last one to herself. John's initial reaction would have been to take the cup, drop it and crush it with his … _Damn. No boots, no crushing cups.__Other options?_In the corner of his eye John saw that Rodney was already bringing the cup to his lips, so John decided to literally suck it up. _No sense in provoking a riot a minute __ahead of__ departure._

Accordingly, John imitated the chief's gesture and lifted his cup as well, sent a hurried prayer to whatever higher being there might be to prevent him from throwing up right away and imbibed the liquor at the same time as the chief and Rodney.

While John felt the liquid incinerating his gullet, the locals around him returned to their revel. Something in John almost admired the apparently genetic staying power these people shared, when they took up their screaming and shouting again as music started all over. It didn't take five seconds until everyone was engaged dancing ecstatically once more.

_No, no, never. This is so over. _Instantly, the menace of getting colored, being forced to move madly around the fire to strange music and drink more of that acid-stuff became present again. John hastily grabbed Rodney's arm and pulled him into the gate. But before disappearing through the event horizon at last, John quickly turned around once more, raised his hand and yelled "Goodbye." _God,_ _I hope I'll never ever have to see any of you again. _

---------------------------------------------------

History repeated itself as John found himself again in the middle of a crowd of people a few seconds after leaving the Pegasus version of Woodstock. Only this time he was on the Lantean side of the wormhole. A fact John was truly thankful for. What John was left a lot less thankful for by was that this time it was his appreciated coworkers who were gaping at him. Although their eyes were not filled with hunger, their expressions spoke volumes, volumes of gloating and amusement, pure and simple.

_Home, sweet home._John thought dryly as he threw a look around in the gate room. Few of the brilliant people gathered there were just staring bluntly at John and Rodney, while the major part was trying to stifle their laughter, some more effectively than others. Only now John became fully conscious that the style of clothing, or better the lack thereof, which had been dress code on the planet must seem a little strange now. _Maybe I should have thought of __that__ five seconds ago. Hopefully nobody here is blessed with a fantasy too vivid. _After everything he had been through in his life, John concluded that now he had reached a whole new quality of humiliation. _Congratulations, man!_ John couldn't remember having experienced one moment in his life he'd felt more sorry for himself in.

Inhaling deeply, straitening his shoulders John bravely put on an expressionless face and started to move. Rodney's legs, whose owner still was in his own happy little world without music, colors, alcohol or any sort of humiliation, followed John on their own will.

Though the military commander of Atlantis was rather busy walking through the crowds with as much dignity as possible, which still wasn't a lot, he couldn't help but glance at Elizabeth briefly. She was watching him with a face that certainly seemed mostly serious and professional to everybody else. But John knew her well enough to instantly recognize that slight hint of smugness in her eyes. Her eyes also told him silently that she was perfectly aware of his knowing of her thoughts. _Damn that evil woman._

Finally having made it out of the gate room hell, John and Rodney both went to their respective rooms without as much as looking at each other or speaking a single word.

If there had ever been a doubt if the way to hell was paved with good intentions, it should've been wiped out now.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

so, what do you think? please review!


End file.
